who knew that when you almost lose your house to a fire everything would fall in to place so nicely afterward?


Hope it stays this way.

I hate that people feel that they need to be liked so much that they disregard other peoples feelings. It's starting to drive me crazy and it makes me a tad bit disgusted.

Also, I find myself constantly wanting to scream at my family for being so fucking miserable all the fucking time and not trying to change the things in their lives that make them that way. Seriously it rips me apart watching this every single fucking day, I cannot wait to get out of here.

I am worried about my brother and it scares the shit out of me. Also don't say anything remotely negative about him or my family members to me, I will stand up for them even though they drive me crazy.

Today is a shitty day but then I realized it's not so much a shitty day for me, just the people around me but I feel just as shitty as them. Is this because I am having a bad day or is it just because everyone I talk to is miserable and having shitty days?

I want to get out of here and away. I want to keep trying to make my life better and just be happy and away from all of this.

so my engine is fucked... again. i tried to prepare myself but there was still a glimpse of hope i was holding on to. fail. i hope i can get approved somewhere for a car loan. i hope i can find a cheap car. i would love to have a car that didn't require payments, that is my ultimate dream car. i want to cry and take a baseball bat to my car. i want to kick and scream and yell it isn't fair. what makes me feel even more like an asshole is that as shitty as i feel, the people around me feel just as shitty FOR me. no one can handle this anymore including me. it's not fair that i work this hard and this continues to happen. i hope something good comes out of this. i hope in a couple months i can look back and say... "man, if only i knew what good would come out of that car". i pray that i can say that soon. i hate relying on people, and i hate that i put pressure on other people when my life is going to shit. other people have to stress because of my problems. i hate it. i don't want to ask for help. i don't want to assume gar is going to help me. he has enough going on and now he has to deal with this because he knows my parents can't. it overall just isn't fair to anyone.

tanning, working out, winter break, alcohol, boyfriend, friends, fun. i cannot wait. i am overly anxious about EVERYTHING and I HATE WHEN I GET LIKE THIS because I feel like a kid. I'm getting a blackberry Tuesday, on Gars bday. I am excited for his bday. We are going to have a nice day, new phone, lunch, mall maybe, then drinks when he gets out of classes. Everyone will be home. Saratoga next weekend. My car is almsot done. awesome <3

So I thought once classes were over this week I would be pumped because the stress would end. Well, it hasn't. Spooner doesn't want anything to do with me now, I am dreading my finals, since I am stressed my face is breaking out REALLY bad, I haven't been sleeping well because I am so stressed, Ashley is no longer working here as my boss therefore all hell is breaking loose at work for the next couple of weeks. I am working late tonight when all I want to do is go and spend time with my friends and boyfriend and relax and drink but instead I am at work untill 10. By time I leave and get to everyone they will all be drunk. We will see. I am at work by myself all night, stressful. One of the guys have been acting like such a creep and snapping on people, scary. We had one of our guys get jumped in the alley the other night and robbed him. It's not the alley I walk through but it isn't that far from the one I do walk down. I am working 10 hours today and don't get a break.. which sucks because I have been working out and it makes me feel alot better. I am basically just bitching about everything because I didn't think I was strssed about anything until yesterday and today I have just been an emotional wreck and taking it out on garr. Sometimes I act crazy and I scare myself. I actually bashed my head off of my steering wheel recently?? I mean, how does one seek help for that??

one of the guys accused one of the other guys of shaving in the sink and leaving a huge mess. the guy being accused was innocent so in retaliation of the accusation he went in that bathroom, turned the sink on and left it running so it flooded the entire bathroom. HAHA. good day.

I think about him every day. It's still hard. I thought I was going to be able to handle this alot better because at first I was okay. I am having a hard time, a really hard time. It's just not real to me. There are so many things that remind me of him. So many things that I want to remind me of him because I am constantly thinking about it. rest in peace, i truely miss you a great deal.

Let me sum up the last 7 days. Ryan died, I hit a deer, I blew around $200 because I stoped giving a shit, missed classes Friday, Monday, Wednesday, missed a presentation for one of those classes, haven't heard back from that teacher because apparently she hates me, missed work Friday and Monday, don't have my car from Friday to Wednesday night because I have idiot's working on my car apparently, and I got written up at work because I got into an accident with the work van. On an up note, I have been keeping up with all of my school work and I have the best boyfriend and boss in the entire world. After Ashley wrote me up she gave me a gift, haha. love her. So i haven't slept in my bed in over a week. I stayed at Katie's one night and the rest have been at Gars. I love that I have gottan to spend so much time with him but I want to return to my somewhat normal scheduel. I have to buckle down with school and stop spending so much money, it's hard though. Soon my life should be back on track. My car is almost completely fixed believe it or not. It's been like.. 9 months. wow. Oh, on another note, it's Veteran's Day. for most people this means nothing more than a day off from school and work. Well, I had work today.. and evidently at my work lives a bunch of Veteran's. I love these guys and this place. They take care of me here and they worry about me just as much as I worry about them. I am so thankful for so many things lately, and this place and job is deffinitely one of them. Some days it's just a job but some days its more than anyone could ever understand.



It's life. And it will get better. I have to keep my head in the game and keep moving. I am going to use this and become stronger. I have found some inspiration in all of this believe it or not..

So no one writes anything on here anymore. I want to but don't have time. i have time to write this right now because I am procrastinating studying for my motivation test that I have to take in a few short hours. I can't wait for this weekend to be here.. I miss kath. I miss toniann. School and work are completely taking over my life. I didn't even watch my shows this week because I didn't  have time. Winter break, when are you coming?????